Who’s Your Daddy?
Module BI-05T: Children Of The Gods
The focus of this module was intended to be immortals, but information about them tends to be sketchy, at best. The behavior and doings of the children of immortals, however, are much more revealing. Perhaps, because they haven’t yet spent eons learning to hide and shroud the various aspects of their voyeuristic existence. What these offspring reveal is that, not only, do immortals have poor parenting skills, they habitually leave their poorly parented, reckless children unattended and out of control. It also becomes clear that immortals do indeed think of mortals as toys. No, it is not a figment of your collective imaginations. That puppet on a string feeling you have around them is real.
For example, in this encounter with the only true progeny of Q, Q Junior proved to be so green and inexperienced, his omnipotent hijinks managed to awaken our limited awareness. He garnered the attention of others of his kind as well, and their consternation. So incensed were they that his cosmic foolishness would embarrass them, they were ready to inflict unimaginable penalties upon the god-ling who had barely begun his stint of immortality.
Q Junior’s problem, of course, was boredom. So father Q brought him to one of his favorite toys, “Aunt Kathy,” Captain Kathryn Janeway of the starship Voyager. After playing around with the crew in a causality loop for thirty seconds, he then proceeded to strip Seven Of Nine and cavort around with lewd dancers in engineering. But in another thirty seconds, Janeway had had enough and tried to kick his skinny incarnation off her ship. But his being Q-boy made that difficult.
After enforcing consequences that took on a life of their own, Daddy Q became frantic to save Q Junior from spending his life as an Oprelian amoeba, and implored Janeway for her help. Too bad it wasn’t too late. Q found her solution doable and left the holy terror for training on Voyager. Why couldn’t she have just drooled a little, feigned stupidity and given a nonsensical answer. Q would have believed her.
Nevertheless, the training failed to spare the son-of-Q’s qualitative state of being. And only a test that put Janeway’s life in harm’s way provoked him enough to plead for another sentient being’s life. This did the trick. (That, and also Daddy’s Q’s groveling before the Q Continuum’s equivalent of a court). But, it’s believed, that partially due to Janeway’s help, the only new Q bastard ever to be born to The Continuum lives a non-protozoan life to this day.
Speaking of another Captain who lost the opportunity to set the universe aright, Captain James Kirk also took in a weird human-like male. His name was, Charlie. He seemed odd, but generally likeable. But when Charles tried to have more of his way with Yeoman Janice Rand than Kirk ever could, he had a long talk with that boy. To no avail.
You see, he turned out to be another immortal’s stuck-up kid who thought he could do whatever the fudge he wanted. Turns out he was right. A few crew members had their faces erased, one was turned into a lizard, and a few more white-lighted out of existence, including the object of his little affection, the eternally misfortunate Yeoman Rand.
Kirk was at his wit’s end. How could he beat a tantrum-delirious child who could kill him merely by looking at him? He couldn’t. Yes, the unbeatable, great Captain Kirk had been bested by an emaciated seventeen-year-old sitting in a captain’s chair that was probably older than he was
Yet, consistent with the irresponsible behavior of negligent parents, the immortal father figure of said deranged teenager showed up customarily late. He gave Kirk his apologies, restored Kirk’s crew (but couldn’t recover the ship Charlie destroyed, the luckless Anteras) and began to whisk the little monster away. And even then Kirk tried to pull a Janeway, imploring the immortal that the brat belonged with his own kind, presumably humans.
But this immortal stated the truth for a change and said they’d only end up destroying him to save themselves or he’d off them. The last words heard from him were, “I want to stay, stay, stay!” Good riddance. Always, keep in mind that any human, raised in the company of immortals for seventeen years or more and, given these kinds of powers, is a freaking lost cause.
And speaking of lost causes, Kirksville’s cursed crew met yet another immortal named Trelane. At least, it was presumed that he was immortal, since he could make whole planets and play dodgeball with them. He stopped their ship in mid-orbit as they were passing by because they looked like a fun species to play with. What is it about humans that make them especially excitable to immortal beings? If we could discover that secret, we might be able to ensure our own survival.
As it turns out, playing with them meant various and colorful attempts to kill them. Hanging, especially, was a favorite, “until they were dead, dead, dead.” (Q said these exact words a century later, proving that immortals do indeed think alike.)
But this game of his choosing was foiled by Captain Kirk by smacking him a few times (more than he got to do with Charlie). It became apparent they had discovered yet another intergalactic juvenile delinquent, which highlighted a frightening aspect of immortal parenting. They had a tendency to spoil their omniscient, all-powerful children. How utterly unfortunate for all of us! Given this tendency, they should never, ever be allowed to parent anything beyond a barely sentient rock. Oh, if only we had the means to stop this cosmic child endangerment.
So, yet again, Kirk and friends found themselves up ship’s creek and, beyond getting a few licks in, were destined for whatever version of heaven or hell they preferred. But this time, Mommy and Daddy Immortal intervened, and told Trelane that if he didn’t take care of his pets he wouldn’t be allowed to have them, let alone play with them. Again, apologies are issued and Trelane’s last words to the bedraggled crew were that he would have won the game. “I would. I would. I would.” Yep, you would’ve.
But what is truly the most startling piece of intelligence gleaned from these reports is that only developmentally immature immortals play with toys to alleviate their boredom. Does this mean the Q Continuum is made up of omniscient, omnipotent adolescents with only the most mature ones keeping things in order? Is daddy Q the equivalent of a teenage father? Are cosmic babies having cosmic babies? The thought is truly unnerving. A whole collective of eternally spoiled menaces to society. No wonder Q expressed fear of humans’ evolutionary potential. Considering we’re much better at parenting than they are, we could possibly evolve into beings that could actually give Q the equivalent of a galactic spanking for the first time in their endless existence.
Which reminds me, if you ever get the chance to make yourself anathema to an immortal, do so, with due diligence and with extreme prejudice. Behaving much like their impudent children, and displaying a lack of fawning, reverent attention has been effective. Take no pity upon them, because without a doubt, immortals, and, most definitely, their children, are the number one threat to your continued autonomous existence in the universe. But that’s another module.
Biller, Kenneth. Doherty, Robert. “Q2.” Star Trek: Voyager. Paramount Television. 11 April 2001. Television. Retrieved: http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Q2_(episode)
Fontana, D. C. Roddenberrry, Gene. “Charlie X.” Star Trek. National Broadcasting Company. 15 September 1966. Television. Retrieved: http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Charlie_X_(episode)
Schneider, Paul. “The Squire of Gothos.” Star Trek. National Broadcasting Company. 12 January 1967. Television. Retrieved: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Squire_of_Gothos
Remembering Anton Yelchin. We’ll miss you as you journey among the stars.